One month (or 14 years) later...

OK, I took an accidental hiatus there.  I can't really tell you what happened, because I had no idea so long had passed!  I think I was in a funk and the world just kept on turnin' without me.

I'm here before you today because I had a moment of self-discovery today.  I wish I had more of those.  I wish, when I did have them, it were positive things I discovered.  How does that saying go?  "And if wishes were....." something...  Point is, it just ain't happening.

Today's self-discovery goes like this.  OK, wait, a little background on how this came about:  I have this habit of reading EVERYTHING that people tell me to.  It's a pretty new development.  I used to be really picky about what I read.  Then I realized I was running out of things to read.  So now anytime anyone mentions a book, I immediately look it up and, if the library has it, I put it on hold and add it to my big stack.  Luckily I no longer work in a bookstore, or I would do absolutely nothing but haunt the library.  Or go in debt buying a crapload of books.  Oh wait, that already happened.....

So a week or so ago a friend of mine mentioned a book.  I don't know if she was even recommending it to me, she might have just been babbling.  As soon as she mentioned it I hit the library's site and put it on hold.  I didn't even realize it was Teen Fiction.  Once I brought it home and saw the cover, I almost considered tossing it aside, but I thought, "what the heck?"  Well, I couldn't put this book down.  It was a modern-day Romeo and Juliet, except with a happy ending.  It was totally formulaic, but sometimes that's just what we need.  And if you're going to follow any formula, shouldn't it be the Romeo and Juliet formula?

I am a hopeless romantic.  I am a sucker for a love story, for a happy ending, even for a sad ending as long as everything was sacrificed for love.  So this book had me hooked.  And then I finished it.  And I put it down.  And, though it had a saccharine ending, I felt kind of sad, and kind of angry.  I kind of wanted to smack a teenage girl in the face and tell her that what that was, was total fiction.  Life isn't like that.  Love isn't like that.  Love does not conquer all, especially when "all" is race or class wars and you're 18.  In other words:  I am a nasty, bitter old woman.

And the funny thing is, I found love and I married a super awesome guy.  I have a great life and a great marriage, and I'm not even just saying that in a fake way.  But he's someone I met after I'd experienced way more than I wanted to.  I met him after I'd dealt with the heartbreak of losing my first love and many other, even more traumatizing tragedies.

When I was a teen, I read too much and watched too many sappy movies (and soap operas).  I had grandiose ideas about the world and about love.  I believed all that stuff about how true love would come and it would be great and I would marry my high school sweetheart.  And that you could put someone through all those trials and make them jump through hoops, and if they REALLY loved you, they'd do it.  But it turns out, they kind of won't.

If I were writing a novel aimed at teenage girls, here's what I'd say:  it doesn't have to be complicated.  Sometimes love can just be fun.  And you're young and have no responsibilities, so why not just let it be fun?  It won't always be that way.  I wish I hadn't been such a melodramatic child.  I really regret that I didn't enjoy my First Love.  I long to go back and have a relationship that isn't complicated by bills and kids and work and baggage; all those responsibilities that come with being a grown-up and being in a grown-up relationship.  I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self not to be such a drama queen and not to over-think EVERYTHING.

So for every young girl out there, and maybe for every old girl, I dunno:  Enjoy love.  Make it fun.  Don't worry about what will happen tomorrow.  Don't test people unnecessarily.  Just because your dad abandoned you doesn't mean every man will.  Look for the best in people, not the worst.  Recognize that your first love (and maybe many other loves) probably won't work out, but don't worry about it, just enjoy every single minute you have of it while it's there.  Don't miss out on any opportunity (unless, of course, it's illegal; then just weigh the pros and cons) because you WILL regret it later.

I am bitter.  And ashamed.  And regretful.  Life isn't a novel.  Sometimes that's good, sometimes bad.  Some things don't have happy endings.  But, then, some things do.  My life has taken many strange turns over the years.  Most of them tragically dull compared to the lives of the characters in my stories, but strange all the same.  Then one day I guess the gods decided they'd had their fun with me and would give me a rest, and they sent me a soul mate.  I tried to make everything complicated with him too, but somehow it all settled down into this life, with this person, in this city, with this house.  And somehow, though it's all incredibly "normal," it is unexpected and satisfying.  Hmm, maybe I'm not quite so bitter after all.